Nalju. Ingliš ist muß.
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex. "Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex. "Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Bob the Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler, Jesus."
By the Grace of God
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts!
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, NOT a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
Guaranteed Weight Loss Program
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how the hell he would ever do it, he comes across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program." "Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself; but desperate, he called them & subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there is a knock at his door & when he answers it, there stands before him an athletic, beautiful 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes & a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "if you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing & puffing, he finally catches her & has his way with her.
After they are through, she leaves & he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next 2 days & the same thing happens. On the 4th day, he weighs himself & is delighted to find he has lost the 10 lbs as promised. He calls the company & orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program.
As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door & there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes & a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's Out the door after her like a shot. This woman is in excellent shape & it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp & wheeze. She is by far the best he has ever had.
For the next 5 days, the same routine happens & much to his delight, On the 6th day he weighs himself & found he has lost another 20 lb., as promised.
He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7 day/50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
He answers, "Yes .... I haven't felt this good in years!
The next day there's a knock at the door & when he opens it, he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes & a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."
Hong Lee calls his boss and says "Hey Boss, I not come to work today. I berry sick. I got stomach ache, head ache and legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss tells Hong Lee, "You know Hong Lee, we are very busy,and really need you at work today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and then I go to work. Try that."
Two hours later, Hong Lee calls his boss again. "Hey Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Bob Joins A Nudist Colony Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean." She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?". Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!!!
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all", she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Rachael replied, . . . "That's me before the surgery."
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. Transfixed, she watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. Racked with pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
Tommy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
Astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued...
"May I ask what the chicken did?"